Career Center Invites David Reed ‘12 to Share His Experiences as an Unemployed and Disappointed College Grad

Sad college graduate holding a diploma and leaning on stack of books isolated on white background

NORTHFIELD, MN – Last week, the Career Center welcomed David Reed, a recent Carleton alumni of the class of 2012, to share his experiences as an unemployed basement-dwelling disappointment.

“I never would have become the worthless sack of shit I am today without the valuable skills I obtained here,” said David as he reflected on his four years at Carleton.

Reed, a Philosophy major and Classics minor, gave students a range of useful tips on how to craft a mediocre resumé, how to ruin every professional relationship to diminish networking opportunities, and even how to settle arguments with parents when they demand you either get a job or leave the house. The Carleton alumnus emphasized, however, the many challenges that students can anticipate in this line of work.

“Ultimately, employers need to know that you really don’t give a shit about their organization. Most importantly, they should know that you haven’t felt true passion or drive since high school,” Reed said while discussing interview strategies. He added, “this is a demanding line of work, and it shouldn’t be taken lightly. Just last night, I alone had to console my mother as her and my father wondered if they had not raised me well enough.”

Despite these challenges, David highlighted the many rewarding aspects of his work. “This job has given me so many opportunities to sleep until the afternoon, see my more accomplished friends on social media begin successful careers, and reflect on my unique personal failures and shortcomings. I mean, what other career would let me smoke weed in my childhood bedroom as I watch endless hours of American Dad?”.

Students attending David’s lecture left with a new understanding of their own aspirations after their time at Carleton.

–Zach Irvin