Covid Cases Rise after Musser Residents Realize Quarantine Dorms are a Significant Improvement

NORTHFIELD, MN –– Cases spiked this week after Musser residents realized that quarantine dorms are significantly nicer than their current ones. 

“I have no regrets,” says Abby Miller, a 4th Musser resident who recently licked a doorknob. “Anything to get into Parish house.” 

Some students, however, remain unsure about their decision, expressing concern over the possible long term side effects of Covid-19. 

“It’s just… we still don’t understand everything about this virus,” says Nathan Cook, another resident. “Still though, at least it’s not Musser.” 

Musser is widely acknowledged on campus as the worst dorm, usually due to the small rooms, thin walls, and actual shit sometimes found in the showers. It’s a well known fact that it’s not a desirable living situation.

“Yeah, Musser is nasty, bro” says Austin Weaver, a sophomore currently living in the dumpster behind Evans. “I’m so glad I drew somewhere better this year.”  

Still, the consensus is not universal. Some students maintain that staying in Musser is the correct decision. “At least you know what’s living in the 4th Musser showers,” said one student, who spoke to The Salt on the condition of anonymity, not wanting to defend Musser publicly. “You’re better off just buying a hazmat suit.”

-Kevin Clelland