Sustainability Advocates Station Frisbee Throwers to “Destroy the Shins of Any Motherfucker Who Doesn’t Compost Their Sayles Utensils”

By: Sophia Franco Over the weekend, SOPE announced a radical new initiative in environmental advocacy on campus. Partnering with Carleton’s six ultimate frisbee teams, the group has pledged to “annihilate every inch of leg from the kneecap down of any fucking prick who doesn’t separate compostables from recycling.” Their press release outlines a plan to…

Pope Visits Carleton to Deliver Convocation Speech, Excommunicates Fourth Muss

By: Sophia Franco NORTHFIELD, MN―Pope Francis’ recent visit to Northfield took a sour turn on Tuesday when His Piousness announced that following a night of “satanic debauchery,” he’d be excommunicating Musser’s fourth floor residents as a whole. Trouble began when Pope Francis called campus security to report a missing case of sacramental wine. Security soon…

Student Intent on Majoring in “Something Useful” Horrified to Discover He’s Attending a Liberal Arts College

By: Sophia Franco Drew Anderson could not have been more excited to enter his first-year at Carleton. Coming from a prestigious boarding school, Anderson already boasts several impressive awards and titles including National Debate Champion, Student Body President and National Merit Finalist. Having already reached the summit of adolescent white male achievement, his next step…

SWA Dog Depressed after Exposure to Carls

By: Marko Jurkovich NORTHFIELD, MN—Murphy, a mixed breed SWA dog, can usually be seen chasing squirrels or wagging his tail on walks. However, over the past week, Murph hasn’t shown up to work, exercised, or even barked at fellow canines. “It’s pretty clear he’s fallen into a deep depression after trying to comfort Carleton students,”…