By: Morgan Ross

NORTHFIELD, MN – After exiting early from opening convocation while profusely blowing his nose, Carleton President Steven Poskanzer appeared to be catching a cold, causing some students to question his his ability to serve as President.

Students report that the President used a nasal spray shortly before his speech and kept a box of tissues close by before he left midway through the ceremony.

“I am looking forward to the beginning of Carleton’s sesquic… sesquick… achoo!” said Poszkanzer in his address to the student body and faculty.

An aide clarified that Mr. Poskanzer is in “perfect health” and that it is “allergy season.” However, some students have their doubts.

“Do we really think that this man will be able to last the remainder of his presidency?” exclaimed junior Theodore Drumpf shortly after the service. “Hell, I’d be a better choice for president! I’m the healthiest man I know!”