Deserving Student Takes 53rd Study Break of The Day

By: Paulina Hoong NORTHFIELD, MN — Last Sunday, sophomore Rhine Ramos took her 53rd study break of the day. Ramos pulled out her phone and refreshed the same Facebook feed that she refreshed seven minutes ago. “I already wrote my name and the class title at the top of this essay,” remarked the proud student.…

Graduating Senior’s Futon Disappointingly Clean

  By: John Cronin NORTHFIELD, MN — Expressing chagrin at his futon’s persistently fresh condition, graduating senior Jim Potts was overheard yesterday lamenting that the futon failed to get dirty during his time at Carleton. Potts reported that he had purchased the futon expecting it to be a prop for nights of raucous partying, debauched…

Admissions Brochure Boasts Low Rapist-to-Woman Ratio

By: Kate Hoeting NORTHFIELD, MN — In celebration of Accepted Students Days, Carleton has released a brochure that boasts the college’s low rapist to woman ratio. According to Admissions spokesman William Blackstone, “It’s important that we keep our rapist-to-woman ratio as low as possible while maintaining our image as a rapist-free campus.” Male rape victims…