NORTHFIELD, MN: In a recent interview with The Salt, Dean Livingston denied responsibility for any possible COVID outbreak this week, insisting that the College was “On a Break.” 

“It is not our place to tell students how to relax over break,” said Dean Livingston, Zooming in from a beach in Miami. “Students deserve to have a break after finals, a time to get away from Carleton — and if we have to incentivize them with a $350 fee, then by God that’s what we’re gonna do.”

Livingston also justified the College’s stance by emphasizing the importance of the “lie low” period at the beginning of term.

“It will be essential when students return from break that they self-isolate as much as possible, and continue to practice mask-wearing and social distancing until everyone has received their second negative test,” said Livingston, who had just returned from a 3-day cruise. “That’s why this term we’re upping our facemask game in order to provide students with the highest-grade protection that 90s sitcoms can offer.”

—Kevin Clelland