United States Government Declares Moral Bankruptcy

  By: Noah Scott Goldman WASHINGTON, D.C. – The United States federal government has officially declared moral bankruptcy. Since the new Congress and Trump administration took office in January, the national moral debt of the United States has increased by about 2.3 trillion morality units.   “This is obviously a shock to all of us,”…

Trump appoints Kid Rock as Secretary of Music

    By: Gaby Tietyen-Mlengana WASHINGTON, D.C. – Trump’s nomination of Kid Rock as Secretary of Music has caused outrage in Washington. While Trump’s pick is unconventional, the President believes that Kid Rock will “serve to promote rock amongst kids.” Kid Rock, who many forgot even existed, is excited to finally be properly recognized for…

Student Removes Canada Goose Patch from $1000 Jacket to Experience “Middle Class Life”

By: Gaby Tietyen-Mlengana   NORTHFIELD, MN — Mercedes Sinclair, a student at Carleton College, decided she wanted to experience middle class life.   “With all this talk surrounding inequality and the election, I just really thought It was vital for me as an upper-class citizen to understand what it’s like to be middle class.” Sinclair…

Trump Promises That America Will Exit the EU

By: Sarah Leong-Fern This week, President Donald Trump announced that he plans to pass a bill, the America For Americans Act, removing the United States from the European Union. He remarked disapprovingly about the EU on Tuesday morning, tweeting, “Under Obama, we have wasted 1.7 billion on failed EU. Sad! THIS ENDS NOW!” To clarify,…