NORTHFIELD, MN –– In a startling move, Stevie P. has announced that Gould Library’s avian resident is to be honored for being the most compliant to the Carleton Community Covenant. 

“While Oscar might not be socially distanced, his glass container acts as an effective 24/7 mask. And it’s not like he’s unfamiliar with self-quarantining, he’s been practically doing it since he’s been here!”. Poskanzer asserted, “If you happen to get COVID, you certainly won’t get it from this big-hearted, antarctic bird!”

The glass shield certainly defends unknowing students from inhaling penguin droplets; a claim supported by the fact that Oscar’s salivary glands are no longer functional. Likewise, there’s simply the fact that Oscar is already dead, making him the least likely candidate to spread coronavirus on campus. 

Stevie P. posed for press pictures with the award recipient, but refrained from pinning the medal of honor onto Oscar. “There’s a distinct possibility that if I pin a medal to him, his chest cavity will cave in.” 

The main question, however, is how Oscar has been able to complete his Daily Symptom Tracker, or receive COVID testing at all. Shoving a Q-tip up the nostril of a decades-old penguin poses the same problem as pinning a medal on him. 

Some have speculated that Oscar’s recognition was a move to encourage students to more closely follow community guidelines and to take social distancing more seriously. Following Oscar’s example, the CSA will vote on a measure that would allow the College to redistribute funds from the Laird construction towards a glass tank fund for students. 

– Collin Preves