Sustainability Advocates Station Frisbee Throwers to “Destroy the Shins of Any Motherfucker Who Doesn’t Compost Their Sayles Utensils”

By: Sophia Franco Over the weekend, SOPE announced a radical new initiative in environmental advocacy on campus. Partnering with Carleton’s six ultimate frisbee teams, the group has pledged to “annihilate every inch of leg from the kneecap down of any fucking prick who doesn’t separate compostables from recycling.” Their press release outlines a plan to…

Virginity Not Found at Info Desk

By: Paulina Hoong NORTHFIELD, MN—Last Sunday, sophomore Mae Lindersan showed up at the Info Desk Lost and Found. She leaned over the counter and asked, “Hey, so I lost my virginity last night. Did someone happen to come and return it?” Unfortunately, the attendant could not find her virginity in the bins. Edit: Lindersan’s virginity…

Student Intent on Majoring in “Something Useful” Horrified to Discover He’s Attending a Liberal Arts College

By: Sophia Franco Drew Anderson could not have been more excited to enter his first-year at Carleton. Coming from a prestigious boarding school, Anderson already boasts several impressive awards and titles including National Debate Champion, Student Body President and National Merit Finalist. Having already reached the summit of adolescent white male achievement, his next step…