Admissions Brochure Boasts Low Rapist-to-Woman Ratio

By: Kate Hoeting NORTHFIELD, MN — In celebration of Accepted Students Days, Carleton has released a brochure that boasts the college’s low rapist to woman ratio. According to Admissions spokesman William Blackstone, “It’s important that we keep our rapist-to-woman ratio as low as possible while maintaining our image as a rapist-free campus.” Male rape victims…

Carleton Unveils Plan to Solicit Donations from “Prospective Alumni” in Admissions Activities

By: Dylan Larson-Harsch NORTHFIELD, MN — President Poskanzer announced on Friday that Carleton would begin to solicit monetary donations from “prospective alumni” and their parents in admissions events such as campus tours and Accepted Students Days. The Admissions Office will also revamp its brochures and website to enumerate the benefits of donating to a college…

Sacrificial Lamb Added to Carleton Application Materials

By: Noah Goldman NORTHFIELD, MN — The Carleton Office of Admissions has recently published a new list of application requirements. Application form Transcript Two recommendations Test scores: SAT or ACT The lifeblood of a single lamb Personal statement The astute reader may recall that lamb was previously not on the menu. “We believe it’s important…