By: Kate Hoeting NORTHFIELD, MN — In celebration of Accepted Students Days, Carleton has released a brochure that boasts the college’s low rapist to woman ratio. According to Admissions spokesman William Blackstone, “It’s important that we keep our rapist-to-woman ratio as low as possible while maintaining our image as a rapist-free campus.” Male rape victims…
By: Dylan Larson-Harsch NORTHFIELD, MN — President Poskanzer announced on Friday that Carleton would begin to solicit monetary donations from “prospective alumni” and their parents in admissions events such as campus tours and Accepted Students Days. The Admissions Office will also revamp its brochures and website to enumerate the benefits of donating to a college…
By: Geoffrey Mo NORTHFIELD, MN — In last week’s ceremony, the LDC was awarded a Michelin star for its service during Accepted Students Days. A Michelin star is one of the most highly regarded awards in the culinary world, and is bestowed upon only the best restaurants. The Michelin inspectors visited on the Thursday evening…
By: Noah Goldman NORTHFIELD, MN — The Carleton Office of Admissions has recently published a new list of application requirements. Application form Transcript Two recommendations Test scores: SAT or ACT The lifeblood of a single lamb Personal statement The astute reader may recall that lamb was previously not on the menu. “We believe it’s important…
By: Kate Hoeting NORTHFIELD, MN – Last Tuesday in the class Securing Security: The Political Economy of Violence, senior political science major Trevor Harris raised his hand for the 36th consecutive time. Rather than calling on one of the three women in the twenty-person class, Professor Adeline Moreau called on Harris. At that moment it…
By: Paulina Hoong NORTHFIELD, MN – John Thao has failed all of his exams in his Calculus II class. Fortunately for Thao, the Registrar’s Office announced last week that in lieu of students receiving F’s, the term “ASS,” short for “Alternative Success,” will appear on students’ transcripts. When asked how this decision would reflect…
By: Gaby Tietyen-Mlengana NORTHFIELD, MN – In a complicated series of events, Kristy Muller ‘19, a varsity tennis player and Art History major, drank tonight. While Muller and her friends were getting ready for a night out, Muller told her friends, “You guys, I’m not going to drink tonight.” Her friend Clare Aspen…
