NORTHFIELD, MN –– “We desperately need to get rid of all this grass,” vented Ray Beckler, Carleton’s Grounds Manager. In years past, Carleton has hired 25 goats to eat away at buckthorn and other invasive species on campus. This year, however, the goats are busy across the river.

“St. Olaf beat us to it,” muttered Rosalyn Linetti, Assistant Dean of Students in an interview with The Salt. “We have always booked the goats first, forcing Olaf to drop the burden of consuming grass to their students… I guess we got the short end of the stick this year.”

Beckler’s plan of hiring students to fill the role of the goats is untested, but promising. “We are confident that there are Carleton students who have extensive backgrounds in the consumption of grass,” affirmed Beckler. “If you are interested in applying, you need only submit a cover letter, a résumé, and after-work snack suggestions.”

Beckler acknowledged that the legal side of hiring students for the sole purpose of consuming grass is a bit ambiguous. Even so, he is confident that it will ultimately work out. “Hiring someone for the sole purpose of consuming grass isn’t strictly legal. However, when has that ever stopped anyone from consuming grass before?”

-Joey