NEW YORK, NY –– A new study coming out of Columbia University shows that 80% of referees are complete masochists who derive sexual pleasure from being yelled at by fans. The survey polled over 100 referees across the NBA, NFL, and the English Premier League.
Being a top-tier referee can be one of the most emotionally taxing jobs around — or so you might think. “It’s actually much more physically draining than it is emotionally,” said Paul Lyons, an 18-year veteran of NBA officiating. When asked about why he keeps at it, he responded with, “I haven’t quite been able to find anything else in life that can turn me on quite like a 300-pound Nets fan yelling at me as I announce a blocking foul.”
Out of the three leagues polled, the English Premier League had the highest percentage of masochists employed as referees. “For the most part, it’s quite a fun job, now innit?”, said Rupert Cleverly, a 23-year-old second year official. “But the hardest part for me is when all the away fans make wanker gestures at me after I make a contentious call,” he said through a thick Cockney accent. “I mean, not because I can’t handle the heat, but because it’s so hard to hide my erection,” he added. “After only two years doing this I’m still getting used to running while erect, but I think I’m finally starting to get the hang of it. Plus, the spandex helps a lot.”
It’s unclear how the NBA, NFL, and EPL will proceed and whether they will fire these officials. When one league commissioner was asked about job opportunities for former refs, he stated, “They’ll go on to find other sexually rewarding jobs where they get screamed at a lot – maybe they’re all running for office as Republicans.”
– Ethan Karp