After Missing Two Emails, Multiple Carleton Administrators Remove Themselves from Campus

BREAKING NEWS in Northfield, Minn. — Sources are learning that, as of Thursday last week, three members of the famed “Tuesday Group” missed an email for the second time. In accordance with Carleton College’s policy of removing any student who misses two emails about COVID-19 surveillance testing from campus, these high-level administrators announced that they are in the process of removing themselves from campus property.

“I’m honestly kind of surprised,” voiced sophomore Kelsey Jennings. “How could anyone possibly miss an email?”

Although unhappy to be leaving the Carleton community, the administrators acknowledge that missing an email is among the more egregious offenses that the COVID-19 Core Team recognizes. In an interview with The Salt, one Tuesday Group member explained, “Yes, the Core Team actively encouraged travel across the United States during spring break, but that doesn’t mean people can go around missing emails. How irresponsible!”

Students on campus ascribe Carleton’s strict policy about removing students from campus for missing their tests to the exceptional nature of the College. “We’re not the kind of college where people miss emails,” asserted junior Daniel Williams. “If you want to be treated with flexibility and empathy, you’re on the wrong side of the Canon River.”

Despite the majority of students being in favor of Carleton’s harsh two-strike system, there are some who say Carleton’s policy is not the most effective way to increase participation in COVID-19 surveillance tests. Notwithstanding these concerns, the Tuesday Group and the COVID-19 Core Team are confident that they have carefully considered the other options they chose not to implement.

“Sure, we thought about sending out reminder emails, text messages, and adding other measures to make sure that students are able to take their COVID-19 test. But where’s the fun in that?” One administrator pronounced, “At a forward-thinking institution like Carleton, we believe that harsh punishments are the go-to option when trying to solve issues. That’s why it’s so great we’re having an in-person graduation — we can enforce our policies by threatening to prevent seniors from walking.”