By: Katie Hawkes

NORTHFIELD, MN—On Wednesday, September 27th, junior Davie Smitherton grew suspicious that there was something amiss on the all freshman floor above his.

“It was just so peaceful and quiet,” he said. “I could hear myself think, and I was getting a lot of work done. I knew something wasn’t right.”

Smitherton went upstairs, to find that the entire floor had been killed in a gas leak.

“It’s very tragic,” he said. “All those noisy, obnoxious, asshole kids, gone before their time… A terrible day for us all.”

Smitherton’s GPA is expected to rise 5% as a result of these tragic events.