By Reed Ebbinghaus

NORTHFIELD, MN—According to a landmark peer-reviewed investigation into the relationship between enjoyment of LDC food and number of functioning taste buds on the human tongue, results have been conclusive—students who are unable to taste standard food items in the Language and Dining Center report an overall more enjoyable eating experience.

Astoundingly, the same trend was found in receptiveness to chicken at Burton Hall.

In the words of one student, “Thank God for my life-changing tongue surgery. Now Burton’s specialty chicken only has the texture, not the taste, of fibrous decaying cardboard!”