By: Sophia Franco

NORTHFIELD, MN—It was a whirlwind of a month for campus creep Turner Masters. First shocked by the New Yorker exposé on Harvey Weinstein, Masters was still more surprised by the subsequent #metoo social media campaign.

“I just can’t believe how many of my female friends, acquaintances, lab partners, and classmates have been victims of sexual assault or harassment,” said Masters. “My whole facebook feed was filled with #metoo. It’s like every girl I’ve ever come in contact with has experienced this problem!”

Masters, who can often be found trying to grind on absolute strangers at parties without introduction, was simply beside himself over the news.

“I mean, this is really bad,” Masters preached. “I don’t know whether to personally show up to every one of these girl’s dorm rooms and vow to amend the situation, or start shouting compliments and words of encouragement as they’re walking across campus, but I will do whatever it takes to make these women feel safe again.” 

Masters was comforted to learn that many women predict that they’ll feel safer during winter term, even though his off campus study program will prevent him from assisting in person.