By Maddy Schilling

NORTHFIELD, MN—Last Sunday morning, after what has since been described as a “particularly litty Saturday night,” overnight guests of the infamous 4th Musser awoke to discover what some described to be “a goddamn atrocity” on the lounge floor.

After further investigation of the specimen, Resident Assistant Carrie Dunlop concluded that it was indeed a reusable menstrual cup that was coated in the residual stench of alcohol from the night before. During the investigation, 4th Muss resident and self-described freshman party animal Annie Crazen released the following statement “Haha shit yeah. That’s my fuckin Diva Cup dood.”

While some nonresidents of the floor, like sophomore Cassat resident Joe Wellston, noted that the object, stained with blood and Svedka, was “the most sinful thing they’d ever seen,” Dunlop replied, “Honestly, this isn’t even the grossest thing to happen on 4th Muss.”