It’s everyone’s favorite time of the year! Classes have started up again, it’s already below freezing, and now we get to deal with those uppity first years. Unfortunately, Carleton’s mission to uphold an education to be “offered without regard to race, color, creed, ethnicity, religion, gender,” or “national origin” just happens to coincide with an increase in people of color within this year’s freshman class.

To understand the root of many students’ fear of the eradication of white liberalism in Carleton, The Salt took to the streets to interview some typical students.

Sophomore Sally Tally appeared particularly taken aback. “Oh, I guess they’ll just come here and start actually fighting for civil rights or something,” Tally said. “I already have enough on my plate with my Intro to Geospatial Analysis class and I can’t afford to take into account the lives of oppressed men and women of color.”

Another student, Sam Iyam, had some different ideas. “My parents donate to Democratic Super PACs so I don’t have to see this kind of stuff,” he asserted.

Some students have begun a push to segregate the dining halls of Burton and LDC. This grassroots movement is led by a senior named John Smith who claimed he was “creating a safe space” for the white liberals of Carleton, who feel particularly attacked by the barrage of microaggressions they feel they receive from the POCs within the student body. “Until these supposed social justice warriors decide to chill out with these claims of ‘inherent racism,’ I think we should follow through with the segregation plans. It would only be fair,” Smith said.

John Smith’s parents were asked for a comment. Instead, they donated $70,000 to the Minnesota Democratic-Farmer-Labor Party.

-Rahul Kirkhope