BIRT Creates Happy, Loving, Micro-Aggression Free Campus

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By: Morgan Ross

NORTHFIELD, MN, 2019—A palpable scent of happiness and love is wafting over the Carleton campus, an odor created by the overwhelming success of the Bias Incident Response Team (BIRT). BIRT, which has been successfully counteracting every act of bias and every micro-aggression since its establishment in 2016, has responded to 3,817 infractions to date. This impressive record has drawn raves from students and faculty alike.

“I was one of the big supporters of BIRT when it was still in its larval stages, but now that it has reached full potential it has surpassed my highest expectations,” says first-year student Agatha Caulfield. “Finally everyone who uses the word ‘freshmen’ is being held responsible for their rampant sexism.”

“The BIRT has done wonders for our campus,” extols history professor Theodore Curtis. “I teach African-American studies, which involves some pretty sensitive subjects, and knowing that any day here could be my last really adds some much-needed thrills to my job.”

Despite the BIRT’s popularity, some do not share the collective optimism for the program. “I think BIRT suppresses important conversation about identity and makes everyone on campus afraid to form opinions on controversial ideas,” says one anonymous source. “Plus, it’s infringing on my free speech rights.”

Upon press-time, the BIRT discovered the identity of the speaker, and he was registered for a bias incident.
UPDATE: The BIRT has registered the Salt for a bias incident.☐