By: Alex Mackiel

SPRINGFIELD, IL – Cutting-edge research has recently revealed a powerful new technique students can employ in order to get better sleep. Lead researcher Kelly T. Bontrager of Bob Jones University explained the power of getting “at least eight hours of sleep,” which has become so clichéd that it has overshadowed the often-overlooked essential of sleep: lying down.

“Contrary to popular belief the importance of sleep comes not from being unconscious for eight hours but rather from lying flat on a mattress,” Bontrager said. “The problem of sleep deprivation arises when students are walking around campus, studying in the library for some test, or sitting on their mattress, perhaps with their phone in their hand, distracted from actually lying down and sleeping.”

The results of this study should revolutionize the way clinicians approach patients with sleep disorders – instead of prescribing possibly harmful medications like tranquilizers, doctors can just lay patients down gently on a reasonably comfortable mattress.☐