Goodhue Secedes

The Salt’s photographers could barely get close enough to the Republic to see the repainted water tower.

By: Kate Hoeting

THE REPUBLIC OF GOODHUE, MN — Early Thursday morning, President Poskanzer woke to the sound of Goodhue residents nailing the Declaration of Huedependence to his front door. Its list of demands included exclusive territorial rights to the Arb and a year-round express bus system to the LDC.

“It takes me a good three minutes to walk to dinner, and that’s completely unacceptable,” said freshman Alana Thompson.
Almost overnight, Goodhue residents have organized to smooth its transition into a full-blown state. The freedom fighters have transformed the Superlounge into an arsenal filled with dining hall trays and plastic sporks. Experts estimate that by 2017, visitors to the area will need a passport to enter Goodhue and its territory. In an effort to defend their nascent nation, Goodhue RAs have organized a squad of volunteers to train an army of vicious attack geese. The geese could not be reached for comment.☐