By: Morgan Ross

NORTHFIELD, MN –  A cotton-top tamarin monkey escaped the lab of Carleton Professor Julie Neiworth last Friday to deliver a heart wrenching, gestural convocation speech before an awestruck crowd of the Carls.

“I normally don’t go to Convo because, because, I usually have a paper due 3a that I haven’t started,” said junior Martin Nibble who appeared physically shaken. “But today I came and it was just beautiful!”

“We gave her a standing ovation for almost five minutes,” Nibble said. “I don’t know if she understood what that meant.”

Wisdom, age 12, was found missing from her cage by Neiworth on Friday morning. Several eyewitnesses saw the tamarin working on her speech on 2nd libe during 2a but didn’t interrupt her.

WIsdom’s hard work evidently paid off, as many students reported that  she delivered a beautiful, 45-minute masterpiece composed of only non-verbal gestures. However, many students agreed that the clarity of her message was loud and clear.

Wisdom’s beautiful sermon came in the nick of time, as the scheduled convocation speaker was found in a ditch only hours before in downtown Northfield. Police revealed the cause of death to be monkey bite marks from what appeared to be as many as eight cotton-top tamarins. Neiworth declined comment, half-smiling to herself as she walked away briskly. ☐