By: Sarah Leong-Fern

NORTHFIELD, MN — Last Friday, a Carleton security guard came across a monumental discovery that will surely go down in the annals of Carleton history: a single student, utterly free of stress and worry, who was later identified as Sofia Velasquez.

“It was amazing,” said the security guard, afterwards. “She was just laying there, and I could tell that she did not give a single shit about any of her classes.”

Not only did this miracle student not suffer any fears about her academic work, she also harbored no anxieties about her future romantically, socially, or financially. She felt no pressures from her parents or family members about what way she should live her life. And she remained unconcerned about issues of politics, religion, race, class, gender, or sexuality, completely sans any confusion about her own identity or cynicism about the future.
Police estimate that she died around three hours before being discovered.