By: Callen Inman

NORTHFIELD, MN — A distinctly Bohemian Carleton student, William Cornelius “Lito” Arterberry, was revealed to be disguising his identity after a cache of Sperrys was found in his room.

“It was, like, tremendously appalling to know that a soul-friend would betray the goddess that breathed existence into us. By hoarding these talismans of his oppressive heritage, he has become, in my mind, the moral equivalent to Monsanto,” said Robert “Kit” Cassidy, a close friend of Lito’s until roughly five hours ago, when he first spied a beige “frat-tastic boat shoe with Citizens United written all over it.”

Sources confirmed that Kit and Lito were like brothers and often exchanged toe-waves as Kit hopped from tree to tree on the way to his Buddhist Art class in Boliou. According to Celia “Starfire” Ross, a mutual friend, they often exchanged yodels as they passed each other on campus. “Lito would carry a hollowed out tree branch, while Kit had a PVC pipe, and their calls would echo across the Bald Spot,” Ross said.

But now, Kit says, things just won’t and can’t be the same.

“I still can’t wrap my head around it. Just last term, he joined “Dissident Polyps” [the CORAL sketch comedy group] and his Noam Chomsky impression was pure gold. I never would have suspected

The Salt also interviewed Lito himself, who had just returned from restoring a floodplain north of the Twin Cities for the past two days.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about. I collected these Sperrys from local private school students who had outgrown them. In fact, I’m delivering them to underprivileged youth on a mission trip to sub-Saharan Africa this summer,” Lito said.