By: Sam Orfield
THE HEAVENS – Having overslept again, The Creator of All Things leaped out of his twin bed, practiced a fake cough, then rushed over to his laptop and started typing furiously. Moments later, an email from firstname.lastname@example.org with the subject line ‘Sick Again :(’ arrived in the inbox of The One True Mouthpiece and Prophet of Truth, Harold Camping.
“I’m like 99% sure that this is pure bullshit,” said Camping, the man who predicted that the world would end on six different dates. He always sends excuses last minute. Last time he said he wasn’t ready to lift the righteous 2.8% of the human population into Heaven because he threw out his back trying to lift some boulder he created. I mean if I give him more time, this would be like his 8th extension.”
“He pulls the same shit with all of his other prophets. The night before Y2K, he told Nostradamus that he wasn’t prepared for the final battle because his laptop died for our sins. Okay. Two things with that. First, back up your work. You’ve got terrabytes of cloud storage. Use them. Two, if you can resurrect a person, you can resurrect a Macbook Air,” said Camping.
“The final judgement is graded on: Neatness and Organization (10 points), 4 Horsemen (2 points for each), and Catchy Title (2 points). I might be less worried if he’d given me something concrete by now, but the only thing I’ve seen from him all testament is a rough outline. I suppose at the end of the day, I’d rather have him kill some people than none at all,” continued Camping. “I guess I’ll give him until Monday, but that’s a hard deadline.”
At press time, God received Camping’s reply, and it was good. Having done nothing in the past six days, God rested.