By: Morgan Ross

NORTHFIELD, MN – As his students protested the banal and repetitive assignment that he previously assigned, Professor John Nerman donned a knowing smile and calmly reassured his students that the assignment was an integral part of a liberal arts education.

“Please, please,” said Nerman. “I know it seemed tedious, but trust me – thirty years from now, you’ll thank me.”

The assignment, described as “stupid,” “aggravating,” and “the dumbest shit I’ve ever done in my life,” was, in Nerman’s words, simply emblematic of the education that Carleton seeks to provide.

“I mean, this assignment is basically the living embodiment of a liberal arts education,” asserted Nerman. “If you’re not prepared to do this sort of work on a daily basis, you’re in the wrong place.”

His frustrated students, however, were not assuaged by his wise words.

“I love John, but c’mon,” complained sophomore Irene DuBlay. “Do I really need to highlight every other syllable of every single line of Romeo and Juliet just to recognize the importance of iambic fucking pentameter?!”

Nerman is adamant that the answer is yes.

“If only they knew,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper. “If only they knew.”