By: Morgan Ross
HEAVEN – In a speech live from the Pearly Gates last Sunday, God revealed Himself as the reason behind Trump’s victory in the United States presidential election.
“Yup, that was me,” He said with a cheeky grin.
The results come as a shock to the people of Earth, who assumed that Trump’s attacks on minorities clashed with the Heavenly Father’s teachings of ‘love one another.’
“Actually, Donald was fairly consistent with my beliefs,” explained the Lord Almighty. “I don’t care for non-Christians; why aren’t they following me? And there’s a reason I’m a man, as well as my twelve apostles. Eve had her chance and she blew it. And as for the gays — have you even read Leviticus? I hate ’em!”
Christian Democrats expressed outrage, saying that God’s meddling is not in line with his supposed benevolence. But He disagrees.
“For one, I was on Earth like what, 2000 years ago? I don’t even remember what it looks like, let alone care about it. And anyway, you Earthlings get too worked up over your mortal endeavors. Lighten up — it’ll be fun! Who knows what’ll happen next!”
Later in the interview, the Lord and Savior did denounce Breitbart News, and confirmed that Stephen Bannan has already ruined his chances of getting into Heaven. For His election coverage, He preferred CSPAN, an impartial news source whose coverage reminded him what it was like when He was on Earth.