By: Noah Scott Goldman

NORTHFIELD, MN — This morning, President Steven Poskanzer announced, “All students who attend classroom discussions must now wear full protective gear.” Poskanzer proceeded to demonstrate live how to change into the protective gear, causing his audience to groan and avert their eyes.

Poskanzer’s announcement comes as a response to an incident that occurred last November when a student brought up the 2016 election in an Educational Studies class discussion. The academic brawl that ensued derailed the class and caused two students to be sent to the hospital, one with a heavily bruised ego and the other with a fractured worldview.

“Unfortunately, these altercations have become all too common,” said Professor Katie Hoffenbauer, who taught the implosive class in question. “Just the other day someone brought up the possibility that teachers unions are too powerful. You might still be able to interview her if she wakes up from her coma.”

We interviewed several Carls to get their perspective.

“For me,” said experienced discussion brawler Aditya Patel, “discussion is all about making sure that people get to hear my amazing ideas. Of course, the problem is, there are all these freshmen who think they have good ideas and just talk on and on, and I get so annoyed waiting for them to finish. Freshmen should just be seen and not heard. You shouldn’t talk until you’ve had more experience speaking in class.”

A senior political science major Chad Jones revealed, “Discussion is never about listening. It’s a time to show how much you already know. Listening to other people during discussion does nothing but further your understanding, which is a great way of showing you don’t already have it. You’re supposed to come to class prepared. It’s not a place to learn things!”

Jones continued, “Generally I only respond to someone else’s thoughts if their thoughts are especially stupid and I need to stamp that out. Why would I build on someone else’s ideas? Would you trust someone else to lay the foundation of your house?”

“Of course I believe in the idea of diversity,” added a first-year, Joanne Nguyen. “It has the word ‘diversity’ in it, for goodness’ sake. It’s just that my ideas are the only ones diverse enough. Do you know what I mean?”

When asked what his thoughts were on the new status of classroom discussion at Carleton, Prof. Emeritus Jeremy Martinez of the mathematics department had this to say: “What on Earth is a classroom disgustron? Discooshun? Discarçoin?”