Student Fails Class, Achieves Alternative Success


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By: Paulina Hoong

NORTHFIELD, MN – John Thao has failed all of his exams in his Calculus II class. Fortunately for Thao, the Registrar’s Office announced last week that in lieu of students receiving F’s, the term “ASS,” short for “Alternative Success,” will appear on students’ transcripts.

When asked how this decision would reflect on the failures of the administration, Registrar Jeanne Lynebak said, “Are you really suggesting that President Poskanzer is responsible for the failure of hundreds of Calculus II students? That’s ridiculous. All we’re doing is trying to accommodate the GPA diversity of our student body. In order to alleviate the social pressures that come with being in an academic environment, students will now be awarded for their failures.”

Thao expressed relief in regards to the Registrar’s announcement. “Two plus two can equal six, and it’s still a success. I can’t wait to edit my resume with my alternative GPA!”