Friend Who “Isn’t Going To Drink Tonight” Drinks Tonight


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By: Gaby Tietyen-Mlengana

NORTHFIELD, MN  – In a complicated series of events, Kristy Muller ‘19, a varsity tennis player and Art History major, drank tonight. While Muller and her friends were getting ready for a night out, Muller told her friends, “You guys, I’m not going to drink tonight.”

Her friend Clare Aspen ‘17 attempted to clarify. “Wait,” she said. “You’re not drinking tonight?”

Muller responded, “Yeah, I’m going to sit this one out.”  The whole room paused in astonishment.

Muller’s pre-game went without a hitch. When offered a shot, Muller replied “not tonight.”  While her friends were drinking, Muller reminded herself that she didn’t need alcohol to have fun.

However, at 8:30PM, things took a turn. While Muller’s friends were about to take another round of shots, she decided that one shot wouldn’t hurt. Muller felt in control and declared, “Guys, that’s literally my only drink for the night.”  
While at the next party, Muller decided she would just play one round of rage cage. After losing, Muller screamed, “Guys, literally this is all I’m drinking tonight, like that’s it.” Three hours and five shots later Muller was once again found incoherently ordering chicken strips in Sayles.