Carleton Refuses to Fire Tenured Professor Who Murdered Students on the Bald Spot

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By: Kate Hoeting

NORTHFIELD, MN Students on their way to brunch last Sunday may have noticed a professor wielding a 12 inch knife on the Bald Spot.

The Professor, L. Jacobs, had reached a breaking point after his 87th consecutive Title IX case. Just as Northfield Police arrived at the scene, he began to slaughter every student in sight.

Though Carleton has since made sanctions against Professor Jacobs, releasing those details would violate his privacy.

Students have since spoken out for his removal.

“It’s possible that he’s done something like this before,” said bystander Ayesha Steadman. “After all, Rice County deletes criminal records every 7 years.”

When pressed for comment, a Carleton spokesperson stated, “But he’s tenured.”