Admissions Brochure Boasts Low Rapist-to-Woman Ratio

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By: Kate Hoeting

NORTHFIELD, MN In celebration of Accepted Students Days, Carleton has released a brochure that boasts the college’s low rapist to woman ratio.

According to Admissions spokesman William Blackstone, “It’s important that we keep our rapist-to-woman ratio as low as possible while maintaining our image as a rapist-free campus.”

Male rape victims are not included in the ratio. Blackstone explains that, “Unlike women, men need and enjoy sex. No man has ever been raped on this campus, and almost no woman has either.”

Blackstone asserts that Carleton’s low rapist-to-woman ratio could increase its competitive leverage against Middlebury and Oberlin. He reports that, “Though 25% of women leave Carleton’s campus as victims of sexual assault, our rate is way lower than that of our peer institutions.”

Upon flipping through the brochure in the Admissions office, one parent questioned the data’s reliability.

“Yeah, there are flaws with the data,” said Admissions director Trevor McMiller. “For example, we have a few repeat offenders on campus. But one repeat offender doesn’t raise our ratio any more than the next rapist.”

In response to any additional concerns, Carleton staff direct prospective students to the Gender and Sexuality Center, a random house blocks away from any prominent place on campus.