By: Brynne Diggins

NORTHFIELD, MN — A memorial service to celebrate the life and death of Jennifer’s Virginity will be held this Saturday. Born on April 2, 1997, Jennifer’s Virginity lived a long and happy life until April 24, 2017.

She spent her 19 years in solitary confinement within the societal construct locked between Jennifer’s legs. She was raised in Concord, New Hampshire.

Beloved companion of no man or woman, Jennifer’s Virginity leaves behind no life partner, children, or grandchildren. However, the loss of Jennifer’s Virginity is deeply felt by Jennifer’s mother, Alice, and her father, Paul. Jennifer’s Virginity will live forever in their hearts.

Jennifer’s Virginity graduated from Maple Leaf High School in 2015 and was pursuing a B.A. in Philosophy at Carleton College when her untimely death occurred. She worked in a self-serve froyo parlor for three years before taking on a campus job as a library shelver.

The memorial service will be held on April 30, 2017, at 3 pm at Our Blesséd Mother Funeral Home. In lieu of flowers, the parents of Jennifer’s Virginity request that you donate money to Planned Parenthood, Jennifer’s condom cash stash, or Our Lady of the Sacred Broken Heart, which offers counseling to parents who have lost their children’s virginity.