By: John Cronin
NORTHFIELD, MN — Expressing chagrin at his futon’s persistently fresh condition, graduating senior Jim Potts was overheard yesterday lamenting that the futon failed to get dirty during his time at Carleton.
Potts reported that he had purchased the futon expecting it to be a prop for nights of raucous partying, debauched drinking, and sultry hook-ups, but that, given the Geology major’s staid socializing, reasonable drinking, and unremarkable sex life, nothing of the sort had come to pass.
“I got this thing for my dorm freshman year, and while it’s a nice futon, it’s honestly too nice at this point.”
“I thought that I had 4 years to make this thing the grimiest, stickiest futon on campus. I didn’t think I’d have to try. It’d just happen,” said Potts. “I was hoping by this year if I had a freshman over to my room, the futon would be totally disgusting, covered in stains and smelly—it’d really impress them. They’d think, ‘What a cool senior!’ ”
However, Jim’s use of the futon has remained infrequent and for things that are exclusively tidy.
“Mostly I just use it to do readings sometimes. One time I had a prospie and they slept on it. That’s really it.”
Failing the expectations of its owner, the futon has not accrued any mysterious stains from alcohol, bong water, or bodily fluids. Potts attributed any minor smudges to Cheeto dust.
Potts, who will be moving away from Northfield in a few months, is perhaps most disappointed by the small sofa’s undiminished resale value.
“Honestly, I was hoping that when I graduated it’d be so gross that I’d have to throw it out or just give it to some cool freshmen,” said Potts. “But looking at it now, I think I could still get 50, maybe 60 dollars for this thing.”
Expressing some degree of solace, Potts did finally note the comfort he took in the current state of his bed sheets. “Those things are fucking disgusting—I’ve done so much fucked up shit in bed.”