By: Noah Goldman
NORTHFIELD, MN — The Carleton Office of Admissions has recently published a new list of application requirements.
Test scores: SAT or ACT
The lifeblood of a single lamb
The astute reader may recall that lamb was previously not on the menu.
“We believe it’s important to give our applicants opportunities to express their individuality,” explained the director of admissions at a recent information session. “We made our quirky essay prompt about wind turbines, and we thought that was enough. But then we found out that the University of Chicago has four quirky essay prompts. We knew we had to act fast. After all, we can’t fall behind in the ‘Most Arbitrary Requirements’ list published by U.S. News and World Report.”
“Carleton takes what we like to call a ‘holistic’ approach to lamb sacrifices,” added the assistant director. “We believe that lamb’s blood shows a student’s willingness to do rigorous work and has the added bonus of being very tasty.” After the information session, he pulled The Salt aside and remarked, “Frankly, it was long overdue. The other lamb advocates and I have been saying this for years.”
An employee of the admissions office, who wishes to remain anonymous, has reported seeing Carleton president Steven Poskanzer standing naked over a simmering cauldron of sacrificial lambs’ blood after working hours, holding a mysterious staff and chanting, “Genfira wishkiwishk hadja!”