By: John Cronin

NORTHFIELD, MN — During a dinner conversation yesterday at the LDC that turned to issues of class on campus, American studies major Catherine Temples vehemently denied any classification of herself as “rich” or “upper class” despite the fact that her father makes over half a million dollars a year.

“I won’t deny that my family is well-off, and I’m super lucky for that. But I’m not, you know, rich,” reported Temples. “I’m not one of those kids.”

Temples eagerly provided examples to prove her point. “My dad isn’t like a CEO or something—he’s an executive vice-president.”

Temples eagerly rejected any further insinuation that she belongs to the upper crust—as opposed to upper-middle crust—of American society,

“We’re not, you know, rich!” insisted Temples, who received a Ford Mustang for her 16th birthday. “My dad has only met the president like twice, and they’re not even friends!” insisted the sophomore who went to a private high school along with three members of the Kennedy family. “He does co-own 4 or 5 Hardee’s franchise restaurants with Rex Tillerson though.”  

In addition, Temples argued that her uncle’s family were “the really rich ones.” She also added that when Mudd re-opens as a renovated “Temples Hall” it will be named after that branch of the family. Temples also added, “My cousin’s stable is at least twice the size of mine.”
Temples managed to avoid any further attention from her socio-economic status when the conversation changed focus to one of the really rich kids, Tom Bennington, who is so rich that he receives weekly foot baths from the college president and does not know the meaning of the word “tuition.”