By: Sophia Franco

Drew Anderson could not have been more excited to enter his first-year at Carleton. Coming from a prestigious boarding school, Anderson already boasts several impressive awards and titles including National Debate Champion, Student Body President and National Merit Finalist.

Having already reached the summit of adolescent white male achievement, his next step forward seemed clear: to major in something “useful.”

Drew laid out his goal during the fun fact portion of his introductory New Student Week Group meeting.

“Look, I’m not here to waste my time on ‘The Politics of Women’s Basketball,’ or ‘The Science of Gluten,’ or ‘Theater Calculus.’ I’m here to spend my trust fund money right,” he informed the circle of complete strangers.

Little did Anderson know that he was soon to experience literally the worst thing that had happened to him in his life so far. Steven Poskanzer’s opening convocation alerted Anderson to the fact that he was attending a liberal arts institution.

“I was shocked. I simply didn’t think it could happen to me,” Anderson explained. “One day you’re shitting on people’s unique aspirations and goals, the next you’re attending a liberal arts college.”

With tears in his eyes, Anderson departed from first convocation to attend a movie for his A&I: “The Theatrics of Diet, Derivatives and Feminism in Sports Politics.” Drew was last spotted furiously researching transfer applications during a required viewing of game five of the WNBA championships between the Minnesota Lynx and LA Sparks.