By Kate Hoeting

DES MONIES, IA—In a recent breakthrough, scientists at Monsanto have created a new strain of corn. They report that the children of the corn will transform the landscape of agriculture.

“Because the children of the corn have reached sentience, we have no need to cover them in costly pesticides,” said lead scientist Alexa Jackson. “The children can simply swat locusts, deer, and other pests away.”

Despite its advantages, the new corn has drawbacks that farmers should consider.

“Well, for one, the corn requires constant supervision,” Jackson said. “If left unattended, the corn is prone to temper tantrums. The whining in our laboratory was unbearable. Quite frankly, this is the most obnoxious vegetable I’ve ever created.”

In the future, Jackson and her team hope to develop corn that does not pick its nose.