Roommate Wanted!

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By: Jordan Fues

NORTHFIELD, MN—Like many Carls, I am looking for a new roommate for next year. I have been told by my current roommate that I am clean, respectful, and generally enjoyable to live with. Here are just a few of the characteristics I am looking for in my new roommate.

My ideal roommate would:

  • Keep their side of the room neat
  • Enjoy being outside
  • Be down for Netflix binges
  • Go to bed by 1 AM
  • Join me in sunrise yoga every morning
  • Run an 8 minute or under mile
  • Never make eye contact with me unless instructed to do so
  • Address me as Commander or Admiral
  • Enjoy going out and partying exclusively on Monday afternoons
  • Never ask me about myself
  • Lock the door after leaving the room
  • Speak over three languages (Pig Latin not included)
  • Have basic knowledge of Ponzi schemes
  • Play the Australian didgeridoo
  • Enjoy discussing alternative conspiracy theories
  • Consider converting to a new religion with me (non-negotiable)
  • Appreciate the rise of the My Little Pony franchise
  • Want to remain roommates until our deaths


As you can see, I am a very low maintenance and understanding roommate. If you have these qualities, please don’t hesitate to get in touch!