By: Jordan Fues

NORTHFIELD, MN—Like many Carls, I am looking for a new roommate for next year. I have been told by my current roommate that I am clean, respectful, and generally enjoyable to live with. Here are just a few of the characteristics I am looking for in my new roommate.

My ideal roommate would:

• Keep their side of the room neat
• Enjoy being outside
• Be down for Netflix binges
• Go to bed by 1 AM
• Join me in sunrise yoga every morning
• Run an 8 minute or under mile
• Never make eye contact with me unless instructed to do so
• Address me as Commander or Admiral
• Enjoy going out and partying exclusively on Monday afternoons
• Never ask me about myself
• Lock the door after leaving the room
• Speak over three languages (Pig Latin not included)
• Have basic knowledge of Ponzi schemes
• Play the Australian didgeridoo
• Enjoy discussing alternative conspiracy theories
• Consider converting to a new religion with me (non-negotiable)
• Appreciate the rise of the My Little Pony franchise
• Want to remain roommates until our deaths

 

As you can see, I am a very low maintenance and understanding roommate. If you have these qualities, please don’t hesitate to get in touch!