By: Sophia Franco
NORTHFIELD, MN—You really thought room draw was a lottery, huh? Well think again, sheeple, it’s time to face the truth and find out exactly what your room draw number says about you as a person. An inside source has revealed seven bases for the draw that housing and ResLife cycles through. See if you can figure out which one was used this year.
- How soon you are going to peak (lower number = peaking sooner)
Yup, you heard it here first, Sevy quads, Davis Suites and townhouses can all look forward to long lives of disappointment and wasted potential. As for everyone headed for Muss or Hue, it’s pretty much gonna be all uphill til you die.
- How many mental breakdowns you have left in your college career (take away the 1000s place)
Great places to cry include 2nd Libe, Sayles, and any public bathroom. Make sure to take advantage of SHAC services!
- Hours spent at sayles over four years.
Who doesn’t love to “do homework” in the noisiest environment on campus?
- What circle of hell you’ll end up in.
(first 172 on the room draw go to the first circle, last 172 to the ninth circle, you get the deal).
Of the 1,548 students (approx.) in the room draw, the first 172 will be placed in the first circle of hell aka limbo zone. Next 172 will be damned for too much PDA and extreme tinder usage. The next 172 will be taken down by their raids on Burton, LDC, and Sayles. Next levels are greed (stealing the ice cream tub from LDC), anger (excessive clap submissions), heresy (disputing the credibility of an overheard post), violence (terrible stump skills), fraud (sneaking into parties you weren’t invited to), and finally treachery (transferring to Olaf).
- Who has the the best majors (lower the number, better the major)
I’ll just let y’all fight over that one.
- Amount of money used to try and bribe Stevie P. (take away the 1000s)
Everyone with a Canada Goose jacket to the back of the fucking line.
- Fucks left to give.
Sadly, everyone has at least 1000 😦
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