Six Witch Rituals To Extend the Lifespan of Ruth Bader Ginsburg

  1. Gregorian chanting of the Constitution
  2. Praying with crystals precisely as thick as her glasses
  3. Drinking a bunch of red wine out of a cauldron and falling asleep during the State of the Union
  4. Dissenting from Antonin Scalia’s ghost
  5. Waving sage around the Supreme Court to the confusion of Anthony Kennedy
  6. Good old fashioned praying to Jesus because please God please we need her. Come on Ruth hang in there!!!

— Katie Hawkes, Jordan Fues, Shane Zerr