NORTHFIELD, MN: On Thursday evening at about 7PM, the Carleton Rationalists Against Normal Experiences Cult gathered for its first meeting.
Says the cult’s leader, Jamie Jerstorm, “When we heard that there was a tornado watch for the Northfield area on Thursday, we knew it was a sign.”
The CRANErs, as they call themselves, met on Mai Fete to perform their first ritual sacrifice as the Northfield community prepared for foul weather. While Jerstorm declined to comment on the practices of the ritual, charred remnants of a child-size Razor scooter and Arctic Monkeys records were found on scene Friday morning.
Cult member Liz Hail was impressed with the meeting’s success. “The storm took longer to pick up than we anticipated, but we’re proud to say that we’re really starting to make an impact on campus.”
“Our society is growing more quickly than we could’ve imagined,” Jerstorm reported. “We had ten pledges join our email list just this morning!”
The CRANErs will have an interest meeting next Wednesday, September 26th at 6PM in upper Sayles.
– Jordan Fues