Strange Homeless-looking Man Arrested for Breaking and Entering

Madison WI – Authorities have taken a strange man wearing a red and white velvet suit in custody after finding him stuck in a chimney Monday evening in Madison, Wisconsin. According to police, he planned on stealing milk and cookies before leaving mysterious boxes underneath a house plant. State prosecutors are prepared to bring numerous charges against this man including breaking and entering. According to several local Madison sources, the suspect breaks into their homes at the end of December every year.

Some members of the public, however, believe that the police do not have the right man. 28-year-old Jake Martens describes him as “the local homeless man who asks for donations outside Whole Foods. He is really quite nice and I could never see him doing such a terrible deed.”

While exact details are still not clear, investigators reportedly found evidence of human trafficking and countless labor code violations in a search of the the mysterious man’s home. In his “workshop,” where he plans his operations, authorities also discovered a strange list with the names of children around the globe, which might be used as evidence in pending Stalking and Child Grooming charges.

-Andrew Griffin