NORTHFIELD, MN–Last Tuesday, Carleton students spotted the first white male attempting to brave sub-zero temperatures in just shorts and a t-shirt, signalling the official arrival of winter. First years from warmer regions, once enamored by powdery falling snow are now filling out transfer applications faster than wet hair freezes. With Minnesota’s coldest season in full swing, students are asking themselves the perennial question: “What can I do to prevent my blood from freezing in my veins?”
Students with enough cash to start a roaring bonfire have oft solved this problem with one brand of winter gear: Canada Goose. However, recent viral campaigns have stirred backlash against the company’s use of fur in its signature heavy coats. That’s why I’m suggesting that this winter, instead of buying Canada Goose apparel, students should invest in a goose from Lyman Lake.
Let’s consider the costs and benefits. While an authentic Canada Goose parka can run you nearly half the cost of one term of housing, acquiring a Lyman Lake goose only costs a bag of grapes and a ten-foot length of sturdy rope. In terms of keeping you warm, Canada Goose is acceptable, but nothing can compare to the warmth gained from having to constantly dodge attacks from your ferocious fowl friend. Besides, can Canada Goose claim that their coat acts as a bodyguard, emotional support animal and conversation starter?
It seems then that the choice is clear. Students should ditch the overpriced status symbol and adopt a Lyman Lake goose to keep them warm in this polar vortex. After all, why would you want to support the cruelty of a luxury company, when you can experience the cruelty of a moody goose companion yourself?