I Would Try Anything to Fix My Relationship With Alcohol, Besides Changing My Drinking Habits

Fuck, I did it again. After another night of debauchery, I successfully threatened half of my friendships, worried many of my classmates, and pissed off about every single stranger I encountered. I won’t get into details, but I do apologize for all the loads of laundry people are doing today on account of my actions. I’m also sorry to the 7th Watson triple whose three desks I disassembled so I could use the pieces for balcony frisbee. And to the security guards who had to rescue me from Lyman Lakes where I tried to use a dining hall tray as a kickboard.

I really don’t want to repeat the events of last night, which is exactly why I’ve decided to change everything about my approach to alcohol besides how often I go out, how much I drink, and the time frame I drink it in. Seriously, it’s not cool to consistently ruin parties by acting out while drunk and forcing my friends to always take care of me. I’m now planning to address my behavior by carefully tiptoeing around the nature of the problem and counting on my tolerance to magically increase so that I can maintain my current habits.

I’m all for taking responsibility for the impact I have on others. I’m thinking that if I make sure to drink two gallons of water the day of a big party, I can get away with attending a wine pregame, playing seven rounds of rage cage, and downing five shots in under an hour. The key will be to casually joke about my actions over the next week so that I can subtly shift the alcohol culture on campus to the point where my behavior seems normal. By following these steps I hope to avoid future issues related to my drinking and to continue living a happy, healthy life as a part-time alcoholic.

-Sophia Franco