URGENT: Michael, Please Give me Back my Barstool Sports Snapback

Michael I’m serious please you’re being such an asshole. I literally lost it Friday at Dixon and it’s Wednesday and you’re literally going to Porch tonight, could you please just bring it to my Memo room and we can head there together. I want to wear it there because it’s suave. I really want to pick up some babes tonight and I can’t do it without my hat. Please give me my hat back. Where did you put it. Do you even have it. You owe my fifteen dollars if you lost it. If you don’t have it we can just check the Dixon lost and found. But if you do have it please give it back.

–Nicole Collins