By: Dylan Larson-Harsch
NORTHFIELD, MN — A somber pall descended over Carleton’s campus today as the community mourned the victims of a campus tour gone horribly wrong. Three have been reported dead and five injured after the student-led tour inadvertently crossed paths with a frolf game, though more bodies are being recovered from the wreckage.

“We were coming out of the Libe, and I had just finished telling the parents about Carleton’s commitment to not really committing to stopping climate change,” said Carla Marks, a junior tour guide and survivor of the accident. “That’s when I felt the first Frisbee nick my side. And then the screaming started.”

“This is by far the worst frolf disaster Carleton has ever experienced since the Massacre of ’88,” said Tom Lamb, head of the Carleton Archives. “My heart goes out to all the victims and their families.”

“Why didn’t they stop?” lamented Harold Jones, father of Haryoung Jones, one of the deceased. “Why couldn’t the frolfers have just stopped playing when someone crossed their path? Don’t they know that sidewalks are for pedestrians?”

Paul Thiboutot, Dean of Admissions, said the college admissions rate has been hit hard by the negative press that has come out of the disaster.

“This incident has set us back a real ways,” Thiboutot said. “Ideally, all students would feel safe on our campus, but the ones that really matter are the ones we haven’t yet convinced to pay us sixty thousand dollars.”