Male Student Sees Tampon, Dies

By: Kate Hoeting

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NORTHFIELD, MN — While with friends in her dorm room, Carleton student Susana Wilmer got up to use the bathroom and caused a tampon to fall out from its hiding place in her sleeve. Before she could conceal the mistake, her friend Ben Silverstein saw the tampon. He died on the scene from a heart attack.

“It’s a real tragedy,” said the first paramedic to arrive. “We get these types of calls pretty often. Like many other victims, Ben believed that vaginas are only for sex.”

Susana Wilmer now faces charges of 2nd degree murder. “Now I understand why girls usually walk to the bathroom with their tampons hidden away in their pockets,” Wilmer said as she sobbed into the correctional facility’s phone. “In my emotional state, I forgot to be ladylike. I get monthly reminders that periods are a normal bodily function. It was selfish of me to not recognize that Ben doesn’t have that educational privilege.”

However, there is a silver lining to this tragedy. “Fortunately, the tampon’s pink wrapper remained intact during the incident,” Wilmer’s lawyer reports. According to experts, a tampon fully exposed in front of a hall lounge could have caused a dozen casualties.