By: Sam Orfield

FRIDAY HARBOR, WA – Hermit crab girlfriend Charlotte Johnson claws through the closet of her boyfriend Derek in in search of a new home, as her old home, a flannel buttondown, no longer suffices.

Charlotte is a Northwestern terrestrial hermit crab girlfriend (Kingdom Animalia, Phylum Arthropoda, Family Johnson). The Northwestern terrestrial can be distinguished from other species of hermit crab by the distinct LuluLemon logo patterning above its posterior. The Northwestern terrestrial is most commonly found in the bio department and in Derek’s twin bed.

Finding the perfect home is essential to the survival of the species. An ideal sweatshirt allows the hermit crab girlfriend to retract her entire body safely into a sweatshirt when she feels vulnerable or insecure. This strategy ensures that the hermit crab girlfriend survives air conditioners, long conversations with parents, and  relationship insecurities.

Hermit crab girlfriends are herbivorous. Favorite foods include kale and coffee, although they will occasionally eat bacon if there are no good vegetarian options or if “you’re having some and  won’t tell anyone.” Their diet is quite often supplemented by “just a little sip.”

After finding Derek’s favorite black hoodie in his laundry basket, the hermit crab girlfriend is finally safe. Shielded from thoughts about her awful lab partner and Derek’s ex, the cuddle-fish, the hermit crab girlfriend is burrowed into the added protection of Derek’s right side in anticipation of the next episode of Chopped.