Conscientious Straight-A Student About to Get Completely Fuck-Faced This Weekend

Image courtesy of

By: Morgan Ross

NORTHFIELD, MN Senior Pollack Sheng, face widening in a large grin as he prepared to leave the library Friday night, turned his thoughts to the weekend to come.

“I’m going to get so fucked,” Sheng muttered to himself.

The weekend, which would involve several progressives, parties, and blackouts, was sure to be “completely lit,” according to Sheng, the pre-med, Dean’s list senior.

“Check this out!” he said excitedly, brushing a neat stack of grad school applications to reveal a  pound of weed which, along with a massive keg, would fuel that evening’s festivities.

After completing two papers, a lab report, and a statistics group project the previous week, Sheng felt that there was nothing left to hold him back from complete and utter self-annihilation.

“I won’t even remember all the shit that went down,” said Sheng with a laugh. “That’s the best part!”