Halloween Canceled—Election Declared Spooky Enough

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By: Kate Hoeting

NORTHFIELD, MN — On Halloween night, the costumed children who normally swarm the streets were driven away by something far more terrifying—the upcoming election.

“Honestly, we could all use a break,” said local mother Anya Petrov. “I can’t let my kids watch TV anymore. It just shows horror movies, like The Conjuring or The Debates. Instead of putting up decorations, we just filled the front yard with Trump signs.”

At a recent rally, Trump blamed Clinton for making Halloween too scary. “Have you seen her mask? It’s ugly. Absolutely ugly. And she never takes it off. Never.”

Clinton did not respond to Trump’s comment, although a source told The Salt that she refused to “acknowledge accusations from a rotting pumpkin with a comb-over.”

But some Trump supporters are overjoyed to see Halloween go. “I’ve saved so much money on candy this year,” said local man Whit S. Premecy. “Now I can use the extra cash to stock up on guns for the coming civil war!”

Premecy also told The Salt that the cancellation let him save his energy for Election Day “Usually, I scare kids in my yard. But this year, I can scare minorities in the voting booths!”

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